Motherhood is hard to define....

I've decided to begin blogging about what I have read recently in addition to the activities in my daily life. Perhaps that will help me be more consistent with my posts. It's not that there isn't a plethora of fodder for blogging occurring on an everyday basis. Au contraire. But sometimes the reality is too close for me to post! Or perhaps I am too exhausted from the actual events of the day to collect my thoughts and post them. It could be that I think most readers would insist that the events are too wild to be true. Regardless, I do think commenting on what I have read is a good springboard - and I have to admit here that I did not come up with this plan on my own. I must tip my hat to Cynthia Newberry Martin's blog 'Catching Days.' Check it out if you can.

But on to my recent read. Night Road by Kristin Hannah is a wonderfully powerful book. Full of twists and calls to understand the ties that bind us to others. But, perhaps most powerful to me is the winding and convoluted road to understanding what motherhood actually is. And, as a mother who is working through complicated times and is facing having a newborn again after 10 years (and at age 40!), I was touched at the ways Hannah approaches the things we do as mothers. I found myself identifying with Jude, one of the central characters and the mother of twins. She's an overprotective mother who wants what is best for her children. I can identify with her in so many ways; however, the marked difference between her motivation and mine to become perfect mothers is that she is motivated by her own mother who was distant and seemingly uncaring. I, on the other hand, had a mother much like Jude, one who was present at almost every school function, who planned parties, who encouraged us to have our friends over and opened our home to them, who checked up on every invitation we had, who called parents and chaperons before parties, and who was more wonderful than words.

The other central character, Lexi, has grown up in and out of foster care with a mother (now dead from an overdose) whose addictions took precedence over doing what was best for her child. As a teacher of children who are labeled "at risk," I have seen too many of them who are just like Lexi - in and out of foster care and marked by the actions of parents, mothers who were more interested in the next high than the welfare of the children. And for Lexi's character, when the time comes, the decision of how to be a good mother is crucial. She knows all too well the impact of a bad mother, and she desperately wants her daughter to have the love and attention that Jude gives to her children.

The novel centers around what it means to be a family, what it means to truly love and feel, and what all mothers wrestle with once they see those little hands, feet, lips, and eyes for the first time. "What in the h$%# am I going to do now? How do I raise this little one right? Is there a set of instructions on how to shape this little life so that he or she feels loved, secure, protected, and able to face what life will throw at him or her?" That moment of sheer joy mixed with panic is one that so many of us have shared, and that only experience can answer.

We can look to those who have provided models for us, but even they will say that much trial and error is involved in raising children. There are books out there that try to steer us in the right direction, but even those are not exact for every child and every family. And the complications of real life often make finding the "right" answer most difficult.

The one thing that Hannah did not give her characters was a spiritual side - a relationship with God. And, as a parent, I must say that a relationship with God might not make the difficult times go away, but He does give us strength, wisdom, and guidance to handle the joy and grief that come with parenting. For the characters in her novel, there is a huge void, especially when tragedy and difficulty strike. They are able to function well during the good times, but the moment when the world turns on its ear, they are at a loss for what is best for them and the children. I ached for the characters in the book at that point, knowing what a difference a relationship would have made for them.

Kristin Hannah's books always provide an escape for me - one that keeps me smiling in spite of myself and crying quietly when characters face difficulty. She is able to create characters who call to mind friends, family, and acquaintances. Motivation for the characters is so believable and I find myself not only identifying with parts of them, but also grieving or celebrating with them. It also helps that she alludes to great literature and has her characters reading the classics! And, in Night Road, she has created a discussion about what being a 'good mother' really means.