Motherhood is hard to define....

I've decided to begin blogging about what I have read recently in addition to the activities in my daily life. Perhaps that will help me be more consistent with my posts. It's not that there isn't a plethora of fodder for blogging occurring on an everyday basis. Au contraire. But sometimes the reality is too close for me to post! Or perhaps I am too exhausted from the actual events of the day to collect my thoughts and post them. It could be that I think most readers would insist that the events are too wild to be true. Regardless, I do think commenting on what I have read is a good springboard - and I have to admit here that I did not come up with this plan on my own. I must tip my hat to Cynthia Newberry Martin's blog 'Catching Days.' Check it out if you can.

But on to my recent read. Night Road by Kristin Hannah is a wonderfully powerful book. Full of twists and calls to understand the ties that bind us to others. But, perhaps most powerful to me is the winding and convoluted road to understanding what motherhood actually is. And, as a mother who is working through complicated times and is facing having a newborn again after 10 years (and at age 40!), I was touched at the ways Hannah approaches the things we do as mothers. I found myself identifying with Jude, one of the central characters and the mother of twins. She's an overprotective mother who wants what is best for her children. I can identify with her in so many ways; however, the marked difference between her motivation and mine to become perfect mothers is that she is motivated by her own mother who was distant and seemingly uncaring. I, on the other hand, had a mother much like Jude, one who was present at almost every school function, who planned parties, who encouraged us to have our friends over and opened our home to them, who checked up on every invitation we had, who called parents and chaperons before parties, and who was more wonderful than words.

The other central character, Lexi, has grown up in and out of foster care with a mother (now dead from an overdose) whose addictions took precedence over doing what was best for her child. As a teacher of children who are labeled "at risk," I have seen too many of them who are just like Lexi - in and out of foster care and marked by the actions of parents, mothers who were more interested in the next high than the welfare of the children. And for Lexi's character, when the time comes, the decision of how to be a good mother is crucial. She knows all too well the impact of a bad mother, and she desperately wants her daughter to have the love and attention that Jude gives to her children.

The novel centers around what it means to be a family, what it means to truly love and feel, and what all mothers wrestle with once they see those little hands, feet, lips, and eyes for the first time. "What in the h$%# am I going to do now? How do I raise this little one right? Is there a set of instructions on how to shape this little life so that he or she feels loved, secure, protected, and able to face what life will throw at him or her?" That moment of sheer joy mixed with panic is one that so many of us have shared, and that only experience can answer.

We can look to those who have provided models for us, but even they will say that much trial and error is involved in raising children. There are books out there that try to steer us in the right direction, but even those are not exact for every child and every family. And the complications of real life often make finding the "right" answer most difficult.

The one thing that Hannah did not give her characters was a spiritual side - a relationship with God. And, as a parent, I must say that a relationship with God might not make the difficult times go away, but He does give us strength, wisdom, and guidance to handle the joy and grief that come with parenting. For the characters in her novel, there is a huge void, especially when tragedy and difficulty strike. They are able to function well during the good times, but the moment when the world turns on its ear, they are at a loss for what is best for them and the children. I ached for the characters in the book at that point, knowing what a difference a relationship would have made for them.

Kristin Hannah's books always provide an escape for me - one that keeps me smiling in spite of myself and crying quietly when characters face difficulty. She is able to create characters who call to mind friends, family, and acquaintances. Motivation for the characters is so believable and I find myself not only identifying with parts of them, but also grieving or celebrating with them. It also helps that she alludes to great literature and has her characters reading the classics! And, in Night Road, she has created a discussion about what being a 'good mother' really means.

Winter Aches...

As I sit watching it snow and enjoying the fire, I am tending to an extremely ill husband. Not "irritated" ill, but extremely sick. Bless him. I have been up with him since about 11:30 last night and had to demand that he stay home from work and get some medical attention. At the moment, he is fitfully sleeping after keeping down some broth and ginger ale. Pray for a cure soon. As much as I am feeling for him, my tired self is beginning to lose patience with this "Nurse Betty" role. I guess that thought about becoming a nurse as my second career when I grow up isn't such a good one.

But, what is even more forefront on my mind during this difficult day is the disappointment my elder child is feeling because of a recent tryout. My heart is breaking because he wanted to be a part of something so badly, and he was not chosen. Now, I am not one to demand my child be given something he doesn't deserve and for which a better qualified child should receive. However, whenever they feel disappointment, I ache for them. I know in my heart of hearts that these are the moments when they learn the valuable lessons and become men of character, and my lead on how to handle the situation is what will help them develop the skills needed to be successful in life. But no matter how I try, I am the one who cries secretly and aches inside for their disappointment. I would love it if they always were chosen for teams, always hit the ball, never struck out, caught every pass or ball hit to them, ran the fastest, swam the best, sang the most on key, played instruments well just by picking them up, made the highest grades, knew poems without hours of practice for a recitation, created the best display or presentation, and more. But, just as my extremely wise and kind mother reminded me during times of competition and disappointment in my youth, "there will always be someone smarter, prettier, more talented and better at what you are doing." And although that doesn't always remove the sting of the loss, it does make one's attitude going in realistic.

I stress to my children that if they can say to themselves that they did their best, then I ask nothing more of them. I will forever be proud of what they have accomplished and will do whatever it takes to help them if they truly want to improve and attempt a goal again. But, I HATE the disappointment they feel. I wish I could take it from them and replace it with that "tickle in your tummy feeling on Christmas Eve," as my younger son once called it. But if I did that, I would in no way prepare them for the unfair situations that life throws at us ad infinitum. And I desire to help my sons become men like my father and their step-father: men of honor; men of their word; men who know it is okay to feel and to grieve, but understand the need for decorum at times; men who can lose with dignity; and men who can end each day knowing that they did the right thing.

I just wish it didn't require on the job training on their part....

Crazy Cooters Comin' At'cha!

Believe it or not, Hooters has a dress and appearance policy for its "service personnel" (heretofore known as "waitresses"). If you weren't aware - or haven't been to said establishment before - let me avail you of that fact. But, what you may not know is that there are age qualifications, too. And, in addition to that, there are many spin off businesses that attempt to make a go using a similar selling technique - and I'm not speaking of those "bunnies" or those "touch and go" places.

Let me tell you a story....

Years ago, after my college years had recently ended and my friends and I were becoming teachers and other professionals, I had a friend (no, really, this is a historical account of a friend's experience. IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!! Although, as funny as it is, I almost wish it were!) who was recently divorced, teaching, and had moved to start over. Since there were bills to pay, trips to take, and fun to be had, this friend decided to wait tables after her teaching day was done to earn some extra money and to "get out a little bit."

"Friend" was in her mid 20s and was exceedingly attractive, well-spoken, affable, and able to multi-task (all qualifications needed for a good waitress - ahem, service care representative .). So, she applied at Hooters, figuring that the tips she could earn there would be great - and the hours would be conducive to her teaching schedule. In addition, they were hiring. Imagine her horror when she was told - between the lines - that she was a bit older and more educated than their standard employee and they were not certain she would be a good fit. She was momentarily crushed, but quickly picked herself up and proceeded to restaurant/club #2 on her list.

This establishment was built on the Hooters concept, except that their menu mainstay was seafood. Local seafood caught that day and served fresh that night. The "Catch of the Day" was a special and the nautical theme was present before one ever entered the door. Yes, "Cooters" was a local favorite!! (No, I am not making this up - and all the innuendo that is therein contained as well as the snickering that I know is occurring as you read this has only gone through my mind many times!!). So "Friend" quickly made her way to this establishment and filled out an application. Oh, the heavens opened up and the angels sang!!! She was just what they needed - a female! And one that would wear their green short-shorts, "Cooters" cut-off shirt, and make nice with the customers!! Oh, joy!!!

Believe it or not, this job was one my friend kept for more than a year. She made awesome tips - and had tales to tell more than I can describe. But, the uniform she still has in the depths of her closet says volumes... and the irony abounds!!!

Maybe, if you live right, you, too, can become a "Cooters' Girl!" Dream big!!

Snow Day.... Bring on the "Pit Boss"...

I find myself watching "Snooki" on the Today Show and wondering what my mind could turn into if I watched such drivel all day long. However, my "high-mindedness" is short lived. I have found on these "snow days" I am watching the most frightening host of reality shows imaginable. And I am ADDICTED!!

Could there be a show about me now?!? Instead of "Hoarders," maybe there could be a show about 40 year old English teachers who sneak to watch such tantalizing and titillating television as "My Strange Addiction," "Celebrity Ghost Stories," "Snapped," "Swamp People," "Toddlers and Tiaras," "Disappeared," "Hoarders: Buried Alive," "Animal Hoarders," "Oddities," and "Pit Boss." These women find themselves identifying with the subjects of these shows, and often offer advice to the television in an attempt to aid in the resolution of the conflict at hand.

In addition, there is a uniform required for all the female stars of this show - worn, thread-bare yoga or exercise pants, a stained tank top with stretched-out spots, and either an old, over-sized sweatshirt or a snuggie. Hairstyles range from a messy pony tail with tendrils held back with a large expandable headband bought for that brief moment when "I am going to start running," to a headband thrown into messy bedhead, to a baseball cap.

So, I raise my glass of Coca~Cola at Snooki and check the cable guide to find my favorites so I won't miss a thing. I am making myself feel a bit better by folding clothes that I am running upstairs to wash and pull from the dryer during the moments that I pause my "shows." Let me just adjust my tank top so I can reach those socks at the bottom of the basket....