We Were Discussing Hemorrhoids, Officer... Honest!

It was a typical Georgia summer afternoon and I was enjoying a drive to Dublin and back with my son Zach. Since we rarely get to have time that's "just the two of us," we were listening to the radio and chatting away, with him asking questions about various topics and my answering to the best of my ability. And we were singing songs and being silly (as you can imagine we are wont to do in my family - immediate and extended).

Well, we had driven to Dublin via I-16 (for those of you who don't live in rural Georgia, we do tend to drive quickly on back roads, but they sometimes are full of (a) varmints that can cause damage to your car, (b) small towns that can slow one down because they are speed traps or because they have the obligatory one stop light or four-way stop, and (c) octogenarians who are out making sure the family automobile is driven at least once a week so it won't go "bad." So, if we can make a trip via the interstate and really have fun, well.... we take advantage of it. It's the little things in life, you see... I believe in having fun however I can get it ~ hence the reason going to a Sam's Club is right up there with walking the Streets of Gold... sigh...), done our errands, and were coming back home. Our ride on I-16 had just ended and we were back on the country road that led us back to Swainsboro, but I was still deep in conversation with Zach and had not really noticed that I was not driving under 65 miles an hour ~ in fact, I had just hit the cruise and had resumed my "interstate" speed. (And I am going to play the part of the Tar Baby and say nothing here about what that "interstate speed" actually is... but close to 65 mph, it ain't...).

Okay, about this time, a commercial came on the radio about hemorrhoids and Zach asked what they were. I was doing my best to explain them to him and why people acquire them and how they are treated and what in the sam hill Preparation H does for them (and, of course, I wanted to go on a diatribe about how "PH" also helps dry up pimples in a pinch and I had often used it growing up, but I resisted because that would just have blown his mind... and again... I digress.... Granny Weatherall, you see... Go back to my first posting...). I desperately wished my Daddy were still alive at that point because I would have called him and just given Zach the phone, but would that have taken place, the next part of this story would have been tragic.... kinda. Sorta. Maybe.

In the middle of our hemorrhoid discussion, Zach and I both look up to see a State Patrol cruiser topping the hill ahead of us. We both look down at my speedometer and see my speed. Zach looks at me. Even if I slam on brakes, I am busted. I sigh. I turn off my cruise control and allow the car to slow down gradually as the cruiser pulls over and turns around to follow me. I begin to tell Zach that in situations like this, it is ALWAYS best to tell the truth. Lying is a surefire way to get into trouble (and I don't add here that I am a horrible liar and it doesn't work for me). And I pull the car over and get out my license and registration and insurance cards.

The officer comes up to my window and asks for my paperwork and then asks the proverbial question, "Ms....., is there any good reason for you to be driving so fast today? I clocked you at [the speed of light]. That's mighty fast on this road and you've got precious cargo there."

Me: Officer, there is never a good reason to break the law or to speed. But to be honest with you, we have been to Dublin and were talking away and my son asked me about hemorrhoids and I was doing my best to explain them to him and answer his questions and I just wasn't paying attention to how fast I was going. I am so sorry. I don't have any excuse. I really don't.

Now, while I'm saying all of this, he is slowly turning his body away from my window and back towards his vehicle. And he is no longer looking at me at all. I find this odd, but am thankful he is not staring me down. He tells me he will be back in a minute and steps back and gets into his vehicle.

Now, I have to tell you, Zach is close to tears at this point. Not because I have gotten caught for speeding or that the State Patrol officer is being so stern with me. Oh, no! He is mortified that I have just told the man that we were discussing hemorrhoids. Yes! Zach is not believing I vocalized the word to someone outside the family and that I told the man about our hugely private conversation. Whatever! A scant 3 minutes earlier we had been trying to find words that rhymed with it... and then I was trying to give him mental images of what they looked like and he was comparing them to chicken fat... ewwww! Anyway.... I was doing that "Mama bulging-eyed, talk-through-your-teeth, don't you get smart with me" thing with Zach and praying to the Good Lord that I was not going to get a huge ticket. That and trying to remember who all I knew who might be able to help me get it reduced... maybe, possibly, perhaps....

I look in my rear view mirror and I see the officer on his radio and writing frantically on a clipboard and he is gone for several minutes.

Zach asks me if I am going to jail. Given how fast I was going, I am beginning to think he is calling for backup. Either that, or because of the tale I just told, he has just radioed to Milledgeville to have them send a special "car" for me.

Well, he finally walks back up to my window, grinning, giggling, and wiping tears from his eyes. He has been back in that car, laughing at me, radioing all his buddies, telling this story, writing it down verbatim so he won't forget it.... and he says to me, "Ma'am, I am not one to normally let people out of tickets. Ask around and see. But I also have a policy that if I hear a story that I've never heard before, I have to let people go. And in 17 years out here on the highway, I can honestly tell you, I have never, and the men and women I work with have never, ever heard of hemorrhoids as an excuse for speeding. So y'all go on now, slow it down, and have a good day."

Hemorrhoids have never done me better!

Honest!

Queen B